How to get a drivers license in the Philippines

Here are the steps required to get a drivers license in the PI:

1. Drive to LTO and skip the line to meet with the local chief
2. Complete paperwork
3. Go across street and receive tiny plastic bottle
4. Go into restroom
5. Roll pants up to avoid two inches of standing water on floor
6. Try to pee in tiny bottle
7. Wash pee off hands from misfire
8. Cry about lack of toilet paper in bathrooms in the Philippines
9. Dig around in purse for tiny piece of toilet paper with blotted lipstick on it.
10. Wipe
11. Hand bottle over and receive paper stating no drugs in system
12. Go find Ado who tells you she did not have to use bathroom so she got a fake receipt.
13. Get eyes checked. Receive receipt.
14. Go back to LTO...Chief has stepped out so we have to sit with masses of people.
15. Sit next to Ado on bench while she sleeps.
16. Get kicked out of LTO by security guard.
17. Determine was kicked out due to flip-flops and some lady who was wearing them and denied entrance made a stink and got us all kicked out.
18. Stand outside and give lady dirty look.
19. Hear name called and go inside wearing Ado's shoes (two sizes too small for me).
20. Go across street and steal Kuya's shoes (two sizes too big for me). Give him my slippers to wear.
21. Sit in LTO and talk to a couple from San Jose. Exchange local numbers for sightseeing advice.
22. Chief comes back, pushes us to front of line and we receive our licenses.